The Secret Life of Families: Truth-Telling, Privacy, and Reconciliation in a Tell-All Society

This involving book discusses the havoc that can result from either keeping or ""opening"" secrets inappropriately. Not all secrets are harmful, emphasizes Imber-Black, a family therapist and director of program development at the Ackerman Institute for the Family in New York City. ""Sweet"" secrets (e.g., of a surprise party) or ""essential"" ones (intimacies between spouses) can nurture healthy relationships, but ""toxic"" or ""dangerous"" secrets (concerning someone else's life choices or well-being) can cripple, she notes. Using case studies (with names changed to protect privacy), the author discusses what she considers toxic family secrets and instances of misguided secret telling by institutions, including privacy-breaching talk shows (some now provide ""aftercare"" therapy); sealed records in cases of adoption or donor insemination; the veil of silence when clergy are accused of sexual abuse; and gag clauses in HMO contracts that forbid doctors to disclose financial incentives to limit care. The second half of the book advises how to ""balance candor and caution"" when deciding to reveal difficult secrets. The author opines that there is no right moment, the news may require retelling, some enigmas cannot be unraveled (e.g., the identity of anonymous sperm donors). This practical, informative work offers readers ""a way to think about the secrets in their own lives and to revisit decisions they may have made about secrecy and openness with a new lens."" (Mar.)