Codes of Love: How to Rethink Your Family and Remake Your Life

Aiming at John Bradshaw's audience of adults seeking to reconcile relationships with their original families, Bryan's self-help program draws on sophisticated psychological and spiritual concepts and the work of such thinkers as Murray Bowen and James Hillman. Bryan (The Prodigal Father; coauthor of The Artist's Way at Work) believes that individuals can enhance present relationships and self-understanding by viewing family dynamics from a mature perspective, which he calls ""changing the past."" He teaches that understanding and forgiveness lie in reframing difficult experiences (short of real abuse) as sources of growth and strength. Offering numerous exercises to spur the process, he urges readers to map their family's ""story line,"" to examine ""codes"" of communication and behavior and to fathom the motivations of other family members. (His useful checklist for going home for the holidays is bound to attract media attention.) Personal stories enliven the text, but none are as affecting as that of the author's own estrangement from his rural West Virginia family. Recalling a time in his 20s when he was desperate for money and his father refused to help, Bryan reframes the experience as a character-building lesson about resourcefulness and self-reliance. His approach is intelligent and compassionate, although his seriousness and the intensive process he espouses may overwhelm the general self-help reader. Agent, David Vigliano. (Oct.)