LOVE IN TWO LANGUAGES: Lessons on Mothering in a Culture of Individuality

Speaking from the middle ground in the "nature vs. nurture" debate, Ohye, a child psychologist on the teaching faculty at Massachusetts General Hospital, addressses the gap between social rules about child rearing and the real needs of children. She argues that children are really very different from each other and from their parents, and that the art of mothering is to watch and listen to one's own particular child in what she calls the "attentive love" mode. Parents speaking that "second language" are focusing on what their kid is actually saying and doing, and not on society's "shoulds." As with many simple messages, it's easier said than done. Ohye strengthens her case with stories of "troubled" children she's counseled, plus her own experiences growing up in a Japanese-American community. While most readers will accept that all children are different and need to be treated accordingly, many will find Ohye's examples of parental transgressions uncomfortably familiar. Her discussions of gender inequity in parenting (even in her own enlightened marriage) and gender differences in children's aggression styles may stir debate. Her concluding thoughts on the "loss of self" mothers experience—no longer one person, but not exactly two—are haunting. Ohye's anecdotal style is an easy-to-read mix of the personal and the scholarly. Open-minded, literate mothers—or mothers-to-be—will appreciate her support. (Apr.)