Who among us has not pondered the question, "Is BEA good for the Jews?" How often have we passed the food hall wondering if the brisket is really kosher? No doubt these questions, and many others, have weighed heavily on the minds of attendees since BEA's humble beginnings more than 100 years ago. Happily, such pressing issues will finally be addressed this fall with the publication of Yes, but Is It Good for the Jews? (Bloomsbury, Oct.). Readers everywhere will learn how to use the ancient Kabbalistic art of Judology to determine whether something or someone is good for the Jews. Speaking on behalf of the Judological Institute of Spiritual Mathematics (JISM), I am pleased to give a sneak peek at the inner workings of this mystical formula by answering the question at the heart of this year's gathering: BEA—Is It Good for the Jews?

Location, Location, Location!

Nobody minds coming to Washington once in a while—Eli's restaurant on 20th Street does a lovely tzimmes—but why does the Expo have to be held over Shabbos? Anti-Semitic scheduling? Sneaking past the shulgoers walking to the Central Synagogue on East 55th Street in New York last year was very embarrassing. If Jews are going to work on the Sabbath, can't we do it where nobody can see us? So far there's been no response to the Institute of Judology's request that BEA be moved to the Alerus Convention Center in North Dakota (Jewish population: 450).

Shout! Shout! Shout!

Nothing gets the "people of the book" fired up like, well, a good book. After all, had Moses not smashed the first set of tablets on Mount Sinai, we might be worshipping golden calves today. Thus far, no tablets have been smashed at BEA (that we are aware of), but it did get pretty ugly during the 2003 slugfest between Bill O'Reilly and Al Franken. This panel discussion became a war of words, as "idiot" and "shut up!" flew across the auditorium. Want to see some Jews mixing it up this BEA? My advice is to book tickets now to this year's "Editors' Buzz" forum to see the gentle Jill Bialosky (Norton) detonate big-gun Jonathan Burnham (HarperCollins). Failing that, mosey on over to see Cynthia Ozick overturn the table during her session discussing American fiction since 1980.

Issues! Issues! Issues!

Issues like print on demand (or "Oy! Herschel! Print another damn copy!"), open market (why should the French get cheap books?), digital publishing (all five books of Moses on your PDA, available now at PilotYid.com) and high discounts (who ever paid retail? Are you kidding me?) are all crucial topics under discussion during this week.

Sell! Sell! Sell!

This year, keynote speaker Tim Russert will read from his inspirational book Wisdom of Our Fathers. This trend of honoring your parents (while promoting your book) began last year when Billy Crystal spoke movingly about his complex relationship with his father, described in his memoir, 700 Sundays. But what's wrong with mothers, all of a sudden? Remember, fellow Judologists, it is through the mother that the religion is spread. The institute is proud to announce that next year we will be giving the keynote address on the topic "Yes, but Is It Good for My Yiddishe Mama?"

To determine if BEA is good for the Jews, apply the JISM formula,* which is based on rating a subject according to the following criteria, on a scale of one to seven (according to Kabbalah, God created the world with seven divine attributes):

  • Backlash: What is the anti-Semitic potential of the subject under discussion?

  • Impact: How influential is the subject outside the U.S.?

  • J-factor: How Jewish is the topic?

  • Tsuris (Yiddish for "trouble"): How much does the subject foster tsuris, the default position of world Jewry?

  • The outcome of this evaluation will be either "Good" or "Not Good," since there is no such thing as bad in Judology.

* Do not try this on your own. Please buy Yes, but Is It Good for the Jews? published by Bloomsbury this fall, to guide you through the labyrinth of Judology. Buying is good for the Jews; borrowing is not.