I recently completed an exhaustive study that, I believe, may add a crucial and profound dimension to the lushly flowering field of Bullshit Studies. This work, which took me far too long and cost way too much in terms of energy and attention for the amount of money I was paid for it, concerns itself with 100 jobs that, after due consideration and comprehensive (at least for somebody like me) research, fall into a category that to some would appear invidious: the Bullshit Job.

As I delved into the subject, three things became increasingly clear to me. First, next time I do a book that concerns a list, I'm only going to do 50—25 if I can get away with it. Second, the jobs that fall within this purview are often the very best that any normally indolent, superficial person could hope to acquire—these are great occupations that any sane person would love to take money for and could probably use some help in getting. Finally, a fair number of them are in book publishing.

The following graph shows what I mean:

Of course, individuals who hold bullshit jobs included in the category of "Other" (Raw Chef [#80], Roadkill Collector [#84], Yoga Franchiser [#99]) also may end up working for any one of the organizations who subscribe to this august publication, if they have a good Agent (#2). But for our purposes today, my investigations will center on the following occupations:

  • Bestselling author (#12)

  • Book editor (#14)

  • Business book author (#16), and...

  • Writer of this book (#96)

I will focus on certain common themes:

$$: There are, naturally, many, many bullshit jobs that pay better than those in publishing, unless you are a crossover with such entries as Chairman (#21) or McKinsey Hitman (#58). But in all cases other than the last, Writer of This Book, the remuneration for activities in the world of publishing can be most satisfactory for an amount of labor, particularly at the highest levels, that is most gratifying.

ß: This symbol, which took me several hours to find in my font library, represents the Bullshit Quotient of each job under consideration. This number may be reached by a precise mathematical calculation based on this impressive-looking equation:

...and you will see, it works. The average ß for these four jobs ranges wildly. A Book Editor, for instance, may move from a ß of 15 to more than 150, depending on how often he or she actually has to set a writing implement to a piece of paper (more means less). The Writer of This Book's number is almost as low as that of a Xerox Repairman (#97), whose work is absolutely essential but almost never gets done well. Writing about bullshit is hard work, and relatively thankless if one's work is not purchased immediately either at a fine bookseller or online.

Skills Required: Again, varies. The Business Book Writer must be able to write very short chapters that prey on the deep insecurities of working people. The Bestselling Author must actually produce real, interesting prose, until he or she is so successful that someone else can be hired to do the work.

Famous Examples: Gosh! We don't want to offend anybody reading this magazine! Maxwell Perkins? He's dead, right?

How to Get It: Learn to read. Lacking that, learn how to say you've read. Then there's lunch. Beyond that lie dinner and drinks. But seriously, you have to start small and work your way up, moving sideways like a crab as you go. Follow your passion! Eat your bosses.

The Upside: Meet Oprah!

The Downside: You are seated next to James Frey at the PEN Gala.

The Dark Side: Must eat at Elaine's.

Where you go from here: Elaine's!


Stanley Bing's 100 Bullshit Jobs... and How to Get Them (Collins) goes on sale today.