For Your Consideration

With the discontinuation of the Quill Awards, the short-lived experiment in egalitarian book award shows has come to an end. Perhaps, however, the problem was not public apathy or the books themselves, but the categories. If the Quill Awards had had as many unique and hairsplitting categories as the Grammys and had been as equally entertaining (sartorially as well as verbally), they might have been saved. Herewith, an expanded selection of categories that might have done the job.

Title of the Year (i.e., just the title, not the book)

Chapter of the Year

Book of the Year (awarded to book writer)

Work of the Year (awarded to book editor)

Best Novel by a Male Author

Best Novel by a Female Author

Best Novel by Two Female Authors

Best Novel by Two Male Authors

Best Novel Collaboration by More Than Two Male Authors

Best Novel Collaboration by More Than Two Female Authors

Best Writing Performance by Duo or Group with Editor

Best Author in a Nonwriting Role

Best Short-Form Book

Best Long-Form Book

Best 1,000-Page Novel That Should Have Been a 200-Page Novel

Best Traditional Memoir

Best “Alternative” (read: fictional) Memoir

Best Memoir by Aging Rock Star Who Couldn't Possibly Have Remembered Half the Things Written About

Best “Formula” Book (i.e., plot, characters, etc., same as in author's last book)

Best Book of Popular Buddhism by Ordained Monk

Best Children's Book by Celebrity Who Wants to Be Known as an “Author” but Lacks the Wherewithal to Actually Write a Novel

Most Overhyped Book Whose Advance Never Came Close to Earning Out

Best University Press Book Not Assigned by Its Author to His or Her Students

Best Narrative Written in Longhand

Best Narrative Written on a Typewriter

Best Book by an Inmate

Best Book Written for a Motion Picture

Best New Biography of Lincoln (limited to the first 100 entries)

Best Book by Joyce Carol Oates (limited to the first 100 entries)

Best Diet Book Whose Readers Actually Lost Weight

Best Knockoff (i.e., most shameless attempt to capitalize on previous year's bestseller by similar content and packaging)

Best Crossover Author

Best Cross-dresser Author

Best Jacket Designed to Distract from Emptiness of Book

Most Returns

Best Straight-to-Remainder Book

Best Work of Literature Read by More Than 100 People (not including Europeans)

Best Collection of Poetry Read by More Than Seven People (not an annual category)

Best Book by a Famous Businessman Who Proved His Acumen by Getting a $5 Million Advance for a Book He Didn't Write

Best Book by an Animal

Best Book by a Politician That Became Irrelevant by the Time of Its Publication

Most Successful Book with the Least Redeeming Social Value (aka “The Regan” or “The 'I Know It When I See It' Award”)

Most Successful Heretofore Unknown

Author Who Abandoned the Small Publisher That Took a Chance on Him or Her and Sells Second Work to “Big Publishing”