Be Not Afraid of Love: Lessons of Fear, Intimacy, and Connection

Artist Zhu debuts with a harrowing memoir that probes the intersections of love, fear, and grief. They use insights from such thinkers as bell hooks, Audre Lorde, and Thich Nhat Han to dissect the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse they suffered from their partner, referred to as X, and lay out how they achieved self-compassion. The author loosely ties their emotional trajectory to the 10-stage Westberg model of grief and shares how they struggled with numbness, anger, and anxiety before reaching the later stages of “community” and “love.” Recounting how X felt ashamed of his abusiveness while shaming Zhu into staying with him, Zhu likens shame to a ghost that must be confronted to be sapped of its power: “Running from our hauntings only intensifies their presence.” Zhu describes how love and fear became “intertwined in a rapturous hypnotic dance” for them, and tells how a superficially mundane email from X led to a moment of clarity that enabled Zhu to let go of their feelings for him and realize that “we should sit with our fear and learn to love it too.” The author’s bracing candor and perceptive insights into the psyches of abusers and the abused make for an unflinching and heartening account of recovering from intimate partner violence. Powerful and unique, this offers a nuanced perspective on what it means to love others and oneself. (Aug.)