The Power of Parting: Finding Peace and Freedom Through Family Estrangement

Dolan, a VP and executive editor at Simon & Schuster, aims in this levelheaded debut guide to walk readers through the process of ceasing communication with or otherwise “stepping away from” an abusive relative. Drawing on his own decision to cut ties with his physically and emotionally abusive mother 12 years ago—and from interviews with other victims—he outlines the challenges of familial estrangement in a society where underfunded social services are ill-equipped to recognize psychological abuse; where “an army of cultural forces,” including TV shows and movies, glorify the family unit; and where social taboos frame “abandoning” one’s parents as selfish and extreme. Exploring both “partial and total separation,” Dolan recommends taking a short break from the abusive family member to get more comfortable with the idea, then making rules that the abuser must follow in order to remain in touch. If the rules are broken, it can lead to reduced contact or complete estrangement, though Dolan takes care to note that estrangement is best viewed as on a “continuum” and even total separation need not be permanent. Dolan acknowledges the deep grief that can result from cutting family members out of one’s life but makes a strong case for its value as a form of self-care that offers victims greater agency and self-knowledge. The result is a smart and sensitive primer on a tricky and little-discussed issue. (Apr.)