That's Mr. Faggot to You: Alec Baldwin Doesn't Love Me and Other Trials from My Queer Life

Cranky, bemused and extremely funny, Ford (Alec Baldwin Doesn't Love Me) is brilliant even on potentially mundane topics like high school reunions (""Michael Thomas Ford is very proud to announce that he is still queer... [and] happier, more successful, and a great deal more attractive"" than his former schoolmates) and the giving of advice to his 12-year-old nephew about girlfriends (it wasn't so bad, once he mentally substituted Roberto and Jesse for Amber and Megan in the junior-high love triangle). Ford is peeved at a number of people, including Baptists boycotting Ellen, a certain senator from North Carolina and former ACT-UP leaders who now want gay men and women to be ""just like everybody else."" Ford admits, ""I had a vague notion that to be just like everybody else was to no longer exist. But secretly I was glad I could stop wearing my earring."" He has love in his heart, too, for Wynonna Judd, for instance--""Yes, it's true. I want to have big jouncing breasts and masses of thick red hair. I want full, pouty lips that curl up in an Elvis sneer. I want to caress my guitar while thousands of lesbians squeal in delight and wet their cheap vinyl seats as they watch me totter across the stage in tight cowboy boots. I can't help it."" He also champions ""Dawgs"" (""the blue-collar citizens of the canine world"") against joggers, picnickers and other obstacles. ""I'll tell you what,"" he says to an overprotective parent. ""If he bites her, you can have him shot. And if your little girl bites him, I'll have her shot."" Not for the faint-hearted, or fans of Jesse Helms, this collection achieves the feel of a down-and-dirty dish session with a very amusing friend. (June)