Embracing Shame: How to Stop Resisting Shame and Turn It into a Powerful Ally

Though often deemed “one of the most powerful, painful” emotions, shame “used in the right way” can “be valuable medicine,” according to this illuminating outing from Lyon (The Bret Lyon Personal Power Program) and Rubin, married cofounders of the Center for Healing Shame Institute. Partly because society understands shame itself as shameful, the emotion frequently goes undiscussed and triggers feelings of isolation, amplifying the sufferer’s impulse “to hide, disappear, or freeze in place,” the authors note. They advise readers to work to recognize shame when it occurs and use “compassionate curiosity” to uncover its origins and contextualize its attendant beliefs (for example, the authors found through their work with those struggling with shame that even if one is firmly convinced “everyone in their family is against them,” by exploring “their extended family system” they can “usually find at least one person who is on their side”). Once readers “gain space” from the shaming incident, they can work to dismantle their “inner critic” by abandoning “either-or thinking”—making way for a “healthy” shame that fosters humility, “rewarding relationships,” and a sense of responsibility. For example, a client who felt shame for a frayed relationship with her drug-using daughter realized “that she did have some responsibility to bear” for the estrangement while also acknowledging she’d “raised her kids with ample childhood shame of her own.” Firmly grounding their advice in therapeutic experience, the authors perceptively unpack shame’s complexities and connections to trauma, the body, sex, and relationships. It’s an admirably nuanced look at a complicated emotion. (Oct.)