Kiss Out

``She's really, really rich. . . . Besides, I love her,'' is Sam Lubin's reason for proposing to 18-year-old spoiled virgin Claire Allswell over the objections of his father, who insists that the bride-to-be convert to Judaism. Sam, 26, from Queens, N.Y., sings in his family-run rock 'n' roll band and refers to his poodle as his girlfriend. School dropout Claire, an ``Almost Sex expert'' from New Jersey, has her own reason for wanting to marry: ``Nothing ever happens to me.'' There's lots of zany fun in Eisenstadt's ( From Rockaway ) hilarious sendup of dating and mating rituals, but much of this overdone, adolescent farce doesn't gel and the characters verge on caricature. When Oscar Arm, manager of a pet store, absconds with Claire and his identical twin, Fred, in order to smuggle parrots out of the Yucatan, surprise romantic twists develop, but the Mexican caper is so drawn out that the reader may not care who gets whom in the end. Eisenstadt needs a new shtick. (Mar.)