Husbands & Wives

``Change in a marriage is possible, but it will never happen so long as you make it something your mate should be doing,'' write clinical psychologists Kinder and Cowan ( Smart Women/Foolish Choices ) in their latest treatise on romantic relationships. The authors lay blame for dissatisfaction in marriage on partners of either sex who have an ``Other-Directed attitude''--those who believe that ``marital satisfaction is something you get your spouse to do for you.'' The goal is, instead, to become ``Self-Directed,'' taking charge of one's own needs and their fulfillment while letting go of ``negative attachments'' to one's mate. The result: `` . . . the other person has to respond in a different way.'' Even-handed and straightforward, Kinder and Cowan speak sympathetically and responsibly of the rhyme and reason of diminished expectations for husbands and wives alike. (June)