The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

Gottman, a University of Washington psychology professor and author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, has studied family dynamics for more than 20 years. His observations lead him to divide parents into two categories: those who do and those who don't use the technique he calls ""emotion coaching."" With writer DeClaire, he begins by noting the obvious: good parenting involves emotion as well as intellect; parenting style has lifelong consequences. Giving credit to the work of late psychologist Haim Ginott and getting a nod from Emotional Intelligence author Daniel Goleman (who provides an intro), Gottman defines the five steps of ""emotion coaching"": being aware of the child's emotions; recognizing the presence of emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching; listening empathically and validating the child's feelings; helping the child to verbally label emotions; setting limits and problem-solving. He says that his studies demonstrate that children who are ""emotion-coached"" learn better, get along well with others and are physically healthier and socially better adapted than children who have not had such ""coaching.""Questionnaires with which parents can determine their style and measure their emotional awareness are included, as is a bibliography. For parents to whom emotional nurturing doesn't come easily, Gottman's approach offers reasons and methods for attending to one's child's emotional growth. (Feb.)