All the Things Santa Claus Will Never Do

The team behind All the Things a Teacher Will Never Say reunites for this holiday exercise in hilarity, as Carlain imagines a pink-skinned Santa caught up in various scenarios that he wouldn’t reasonably entertain. Santa would never “write a letter to himself asking for gifts,” one page claims, as text above Santa’s seated form reads, “I want a new sleigh with glitter on it so it’ll shine at night.” On another page, several white children look on in dissatisfaction as Santa “put[s] a bow on his head and become[s] a present instead of leaving presents.” Badel’s comic strip–inflected, color-washed illustrations complement the absurdity, such as when elves, cued as white, scream in fear over Santa’s “stinky cheese toes.” While the ending message breaks form tonally, young readers should find assurance that the one important thing Santa “would never, ever do... [is] forget where you live”—since “he knows you’re the real gift at Christmas.” Ages 5–8. (Nov.)