Paddies

Woefully lacking in originality, imagination and any vestige of literary style, this would-be western is a plodding read. Inspired by his tutelage under Captain William Clark, young Brian McCaffrey sets out to find his manhood in the wilds of 19th-century Montana, Wyoming and the Dakotas by teaming up with Ned O'Grady, a crusty but well-educated ""mountain man."" In the first few chapters of Mulrooney's extravaganza, Brian kills three evil Blackfoot Indians, his horse and a host of wolves, and scalps himself. He goes insane and walks 10 miles to a handy cave, but he never loses track of the exact date and always knows precisely what state he's in, even though he has no calendar or map. After experiencing whiskey for the first time, paying 50 cents for sex and promptly learning several Indian languages, Brian returns to Bridget, the girl he left behind in St. Louis, to find that she believed he was dead and became engaged to another. Brian moves on, his journey straining credibility further as he shows up at Gettysburg and Custer's Last Stand just in time to participate in the historic events. Meanwhile, Irish immigrant Ned manages to name Old Faithful, fall in love with an adoring prostitute and utter ""Jaysus"" every couple of pages, before becoming a Union soldier. The two ""paddies"" end up meeting virtually every historical figure in America, from Jim Bridger to Sitting Bull to Generals Meade and Custer. Mulrooney's very tall tale even presents the points of view of a rattlesnake and a bear. Jammed with historical error, anachronisms and mistakes in geography, the book fails to qualify in any genre. (July)