Alexandra Petri’s U.S. History: Important American Documents (I Made Up)

“If you’re going to instruct all the educators in America to teach history that did not happen.... Why not commit to the principle of the thing and insert all the bizarre documents that you think ought to be there?” asks Washington Post humor columnist Petri (Nothing Is Wrong and Here Is Why) in this absurdist collection. From Aaron Sorkin’s version of the Gettysburg Address (“Walk with me over this battlefield, Stacy”) to John and Abigail Adams’s frustrated attempt at sexting via transatlantic letter (“I am removing my thick woolen greatcoat of sound construction”), Petri leaves few milestones of U.S. culture and politics un-lampooned. There’s also the original draft of Allen Ginsberg’s “Howl” as it was dictated to him by a dog (“Human! I’m with you on sofa/ Where you’re muddier than I am”), and a version of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas in which Hunter Thompson forgets to bring the drugs (“ ‘Maybe we should see Debbie Reynolds,’ my attorney suggested”). Though the satire is more eccentric than biting, Petri pricks the egos of many legendary men, noting, for instance, that Henry David Thoreau’s mother brought his laundry to him at Walden Pond. Rooted in Petri’s impressive knowledge of the American past, this is a trip. (Apr.)