Love in a F*cked-Up World: How to Build Relationships, Hook Up, and Raise Hell Together

Lawyer and activist Spade (Mutual Aid) offers an intermittently insightful dating manual guided by “our most radical, visionary ideas of liberation.” He contends that modern society is rooted in damaging cultural scripts (for example, the myth that love supersedes all other bonds, or that being “rich, skinny, and married” ensures happiness) that push unrealistic expectations of romantic partnerships and devalue platonic bonds. This creates a world where romance is at once more important and more misunderstood than ever, with dominant systems of power (racial capitalism, consumerism, the patriarchy) undermining the very “satisfying, inspiring, and ethical relationships” that would help people survive them. Spade calls for readers to recognize such scripts and how they inform unhealthy emotional reactions (like unfairly blaming one’s partner), and to tap into their feelings through such practices as talk therapy. In the process, he makes trenchant points about the ways culturally specific narratives of sex and romance must be rethought in favor of more holistic, community-centered models of connection. Sometimes, however, Spade stretches his thesis too far, as when he suggests that the police and other authorities reinforce harmful expectations that other people—including romantic partners—should ”make us feel safe” or else be blamed “when we feel afraid.” While not all of Spade’s arguments land, there’s enough here to satisfy progressive activists looking for love. (Jan.)