Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming Their Power

Apter (The Sister Knot), a psychologist and fellow at Newnham College, Cambridge, still feels her long-deceased mother’s critical presence as a constant companion. An outgrowth of a Psychology Today article and drawing on interviews with men and women aged 17 to 67, her book offers a framework for understanding why the effects of one of the most formative relationships of our lives continue to mold our present behaviors, and offers tools to reshape those behaviors and maintain our resilience. Categorizing difficult mothers as angry, controlling, narcissistic, envious, and neglectful, Apter defines a difficult mother as one who causes her child either to develop coping mechanisms that constrain his/her own outlook, imagination, and values, or suffer ridicule, disapproval, or rejection. Apter asks readers who tend to appease angry mother and friends to conduct an emotional audit to determine if they should direct their energy instead to genuine interactions. Apter keenly diagnoses damaged relationships, but her coping mechanisms only scratch the surface in solving deeply rooted problems. This sound, intelligent book is a good starting point for a self-examination that readers may want to continue with therapy. Agent: Meg Ruley, Jane Rotrosen Agency. (May)