Building a Stronger Marriage Without Losing Yourself; The 9 Principles of a Balanced and Happy Relationship

Marriage counselor Gurian (The Wonder of Aging) explains his theory of “intimate separateness” as the key to healthy long-term relationships. The theory draws comparisons between the parent/child bond and the bond between lovers, establishing the need to cultivate space and boundaries lest individuals become “dangerously merged.” He cites typical relationship pitfalls like fear of abandonment, projection, and power struggles, suggesting various psychological tools and distancing tactics as solutions. A chapter on the inherent differences between male and female brains suggests the need to “embrace rather than avoid innate differences” and make use of the “male brain’s proclivity for increased separateness.” Quizzes allow readers to assess the current state of their relationships, and to look out for “bad marital habits” and trouble signs. Contro- versially, Gurian argues that “lack of emotional fulfillment may not be enough reason to divorce” and blames feminism for creating a fissure between the sexes. He denies entirely the continued existence of patriarchal constructs in Western society, even stating ludicrously that “society has degraded males over the last 50 years.” The author almost certainly has it right that most relationships could be bettered by partners cultivating space for their own lives, but his ideas on gender politics are simply mistaken. Agent: Bonnie Solow, Solow Literary Enterprises Inc. (May)