Cohen’s The Other Significant Others (St. Martin’s, Feb.) studies platonic relationships and those whose lives center them.
What are some of the most common misconceptions people have about friendships?
That friendship is a peripheral rather than a central relationship—a lesser variety, like a skim milk version of a romantic relationship. You can see that in the language people use, like saying “we’re just friends,” or “we’re more than friends.” Another is that people think there is a hard and fast line between platonic and romantic. Some of the interviewees I spoke to experienced a form of romance within their friendship. I certainly have—the giddiness, infatuation, and sweetness that we culturally associate with romance can appear in friendships. Another misconception is that friendships should be easy. People don’t necessarily think that you are supposed to have check-ins with your friends, which are seen as normal in romantic partnerships.
Are there key distinctions, other than sex, between platonic and romantic partnerships?
The platonic partners I spoke to seemed cautious about not expecting everything of each other. I think there is a growing understanding in romantic relationships that people are probably asking too much of their spouses, and are disappointed as a result. There is a level of real intentionality that I’ve heard from platonic partners. And that intention is by necessity, because there is no script for them to follow. There is no laid-down path of moving in, getting married, and having kids. Friends have to make decisions about what they call each other, how often they see each other, and how their romantic partners fit in.
How do you think perceptions of platonic partnerships will evolve in the future ?
I certainly think that they’ll become more normalized. The terms platonic partner, platonic life partner, and platonic marriage weren’t popular when I started working on this book several years ago. I have Google alerts on those terms and I see them all the time now. I foresee a future in which there’s a broader spectrum of friendship. People will realize you can go beyond what is typically thought of as a best friendship, and even form your life with a friend or friends.
What do you want readers to take away from this book?
I hope people walk away thinking that friendships are not intrinsically less valuable than other relationships, and that there are a multitude of ways to find a sense of home and connection. I hope people will be tolerant of how other people meet those core needs. The big hope is that people will look at these friends who are living with care and intention and see them as a model to ask really difficult questions, like “What do we want?” and “What does it look like to go after that?”
