After Missy Buchanan’s husband of 43 years died, she went to her bookshelf. A writer and speaker who has extensively covered aging and faith, she had many resources on grief close at hand. “I piled the books on the sofa table and opened them, one by one, hoping to find comfort and direction in the pages,” Buchanan says. “I quickly discovered that my mind was not ready to process the helpful information in many of the books, especially in those early weeks following his death.”
The books were too academic, too prescriptive, too homework-laden, or just too long. “I yearned for something simple, not intimidating,” she says. “Something short with enough white space to calm my cluttered mind. Something real, not clinical, that spoke my broken-heart language.”
To process her grief, she started writing to her late husband, Barry, sharing everything—from her trepidation about upcoming holidays to mundane tasks like pumping gas and taking out the garbage. Those notes are the basis of her new book, Feeling Your Way Through Grief: A Companion for Life after Loss.
“For me, it is the ordinary things of life that continue to surprise me most,” Buchanan says. “They catch you when you least expect it and cause the floodgates to open. Sometimes it’s a song, a smell, or a routine housekeeping task that unexpectedly blindsides you and causes your throat to tighten and your eyes to fill with tears.”
In Feeling Your Way Through Grief, Buchanan writes in the vulnerable and empathic voice that pervades her 10 other books about aging and faith, including one coauthored with Lucimarian Roberts, the mother of Good Morning America coanchor Robin Roberts. “She had read my first book, Living with Purpose in a Worn-Out Body,” Buchanan says, “and told me that she had called to ask one question: ‘How did you know what was going on in my mind when you wrote that book?’”
The two became fast friends. Later, Robin Roberts asked Buchanan to appear on Good Morning America alongside Lucimarian to talk about her books, and Buchanan and her husband forged a deep and lasting friendship with the Roberts. “Robin has always been so gracious and kind to me and, like her mother, is a constant encourager,” she says. “I remember her saying once that she appreciated the comfort that my books brought to her mother.”
Buchanan provides that comfort to her readers by articulating the complex emotions that come with aging and often go unexpressed. In this way, Feeling Your Way Through Grief is an extension of Buchanan’s previous books, since aging brings many losses beyond the death of loved ones, such as the loss of independence, longtime homes, and personal identity as a professional, an athlete, or just a person who can climb stairs and open jelly jars.
The book differs from her other faith-based books because it does not include prayers or Bible verses. “Though I strongly believe in prayer and Bible study, I found some of the faith-based grief books a bit formulaic and simplistic, as if praying the right prayer and reading the right scripture would somehow make me feel better,” she says.
Each chapter does, however, contain questions that invite the reader to reflect, though Buchanan stresses that this is not a workbook. “Grief, at least in the early stages, is heavy enough without the extra burden of an assignment,” she says. “At the same time, I want to invite the reader to explore their emotions as a way to move toward their own healing.”
Her aim is to help readers see that they are not alone. “I hope my own vulnerability will encourage them to let down their guards and to not be afraid,” she says. “My greatest desire is that the book will be a safe place for them to come and cry, get angry, or laugh, without having to pretend or explain.”
