The bestselling author of all time (you can rack up some serious sales over several thousand years) has finally agreed to "telleth all." The Last Testament: A Memoir by God with David Javerbaum (Simon & Schuster, Nov.) promises to be the ultimate celebrity autobiography, as God goes behind the chapters of the Old Testament, offers startling "dish" about all aspects of the universe and creatures therein (beginning with Adam and Steve and ending with Snooki), puts to rest longstanding disputes concerning which athletes and teams he actually supports, and offers his "inside picks" for the next 93 Super Bowls.
Javerbaum is a comedy writer and former executive producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and the coauthor of the bestselling books America (The Book) and Earth (The Book). He has won 11 Emmy Awards, two Grammy Awards, two Peabody Awards, and Television Critics Association Awards for both Best Comedy and Best News Show.
Earlier today, after dropping off a supply of "From the Desk of God" ballpoint pens at the S&S booth (3653), God spoke to Show Daily about the challenges of writing a memoir and his hopes for this latest book.
We heard you had trouble finding an agent—can that be true?
Yeah; I did have a hard time finding an agent when I first created the universe. That is why I created the Jews.
As a coauthor, how does David compare to past collaborators like Moses and Isaiah?
I have now worked with three Davids in my career. The first was a great warrior, psalmist, statesman, and king. The second led 76 people to their fiery deaths at a compound in Waco. I rank this one somewhere in the middle.
We understand there were some difficulties fact-checking one of your stories from the 10th century B.C.E— has that been resolved?
There was one issue concerning the Tower of Babel. But using Wikipedia, we were able to confirm that it did, indeed, have a revolving restaurant.
What stories have you saved for this memoir that haven't already appeared in your previous bestsellers, the Old Testament and the New Testament?
Apart from going behind the scenes and giving the inside scoop on those books, this work will take thee through the last 1,400 years of human history, which, in some ways, were an exciting time.
Have you offered any divine guidance to the sales reps?
They are not "sales reps"; they are "missionaries"; and my "guidance" was that I expect them to spend the next 10 years traveling to every remote corner of the earth on foot selling my book. (And also to engage in coitus using only a single standard position.)
Bloggers are writing that you intend to smite retailers that don't order your book. Exactly what would this smiting entail?
Ha! That I will not disclose. A good smiter never revealeth his secrets.
Your publisher has committed to a first printing of 6.9 billion—one copy for every person on earth. With a number like that, don't you expect some hefty returns?
Verily, the royalties should be Grishamesque. But I do not write for the money. If a single person uses this book to justify harming someone else with different religious beliefs, it will have been worth my time.
Any truth to the rumors that Hugh Grant has optioned the film rights?
No. Right now the film rights are available. I have approached Tom Cruise about playing me in the film. He said he would do it if he could change the character's name to Xenu. I'm considering it. I mean, it's blasphemous on the most cosmic level, but it is Tom Cruise, and, lo, he is box-office gold.
Will either you or David be making an appearance at BEA? And will you be tweeting from the floor?
David will be there in person for at least one day. I will be there as a hovering transcendent entity permeating every atom of the hall every day and will be tweeting about what I see from twitter.com/thetweetofgod. But hassle me not; I'm busy.