Fifteen years ago, Ehud and Vatsala Sperling published a book of letters that documented an unusual courtship between an Indian-born Tamil Brahmin and an Israeli-born U.S. Jew.
The Sperlings’ engagement--they met through a personals ad in an Indian newspaper--upended modern egalitarian norms about falling in love, and their book provoked both positive and negative responses.
This month, as they celebrate their 15th wedding anniversary, the Sperlings have revised and updated the book, For Seven Lifetimes: An East-West Journey to a Spiritually Fulfilling and Sustainable Marriage (Inner Traditions, Feb.), sharing the secrets of their successful marriage.
In the intervening years, they produced a son, Maher, now 13. Vatsala wrote seven children’s books on the Hindu gods; How Ganesh Got His Elephant Head (Bear Cub Books, 2003) is her most popular. Ehud runs his Rochester, Vt., publishing company, Inner Traditions, which publishes books on spirituality, ancient myths, and esoteric religions.
But the new section of the book deals not so much with their material accomplishments as with their spiritual practices. Among them, said Ehud, is one he sums up in two words: Shut up.
“So much strife and conflict is a function of things said in the heat of the moment,” Sperling told RBL. “Learning to quiet down and keep your mouth shut is [taking] a great piece of advice.”
Another good habit, he said, is to view marital discord as a changing weather pattern. “Look at your problems as a storm front moving through. Soldier through; get past it.”
How this unlikely couple created a successful interfaith and cross-cultural marriage, they both said, has less to do with particular religious traditions and more to do with shared values. When Vatsala answered Ehud’s personals ad, the two were clear on what they wanted.
She wanted a stable and happy family. He wanted a wife who would love, honor, and obey. “If all you give him is criticism and ridicule and hassle about this and hassle about that, how is he going to cooperate with you?” asked Vatsala Sperling.
But Vatsala wasn’t merely playing the age-old role of submissive wife. She wouldn’t have married Ehud, she said, unless she was convinced he would put family harmony ahead of all other considerations. “A family can run as a peaceful unit only if the husband and wife grow beyond themselves and put the family ahead of their personal and selfish interests,” she added. “That’s what he said he’d do, so I didn’t have a problem.”
Neither converted to the other’s faith. Vatsala practices her Hindu devotions daily. She wears a sari, affixes a crimson bindi to her forehead, and cooks Indian meals. Ehud remains a Jew who lights Hanukkah candles and celebrates the Passover Seder. Their son is exposed to both traditions.
Yet it’s clear the Sperlings share a spiritual bond. “Marriage and relationship is the platform for the generation of spiritual energy,” said Ehud. This kind of energy, they expect, will last seven lifetimes.
Yonat Shimron is a North Carolina-based journalist who writes about religion.
