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Asked to write this article on what to wear to BookExpo America, our immediate response was, "How the hell should we know?" We're former fashion magazine editors, much more accustomed to sitting in the front rows of runway shows in Paris and Milan than skulking through the aisles of a trade show. We don't do trade shows. And certainly not literary ones. Bleeech.
But you know, we're nothing if not good sports and shameless promoters of our oh-so-cleverly titled book, Dress Your Best, which drops September 13. Besides, our editor over at Crown, Rick Horgan, who wears suspenders, told us that the opportunity was "a boon from the gods." So let's get to it. We'll start with footwear because we're guessing that's where you bookish types need the most help.
Rule #1: You may not wear any shoe just because it is comfortable. You may, however, wear a shoe that is both comfortable and stylish. Or a shoe that is excruciatingly painful and completely fabulous. Here are some examples.
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Just comfortable (and absolutely forbidden): any sort of sneaker you would wear to any sort of athletic activity*; a tan flat with—God forbid—nude hose; a nurse's shoe or any form of footwear that resembles one; an Ugg boot.
Comfortable and stylish (and acceptable): a kitten-heel slingback; a split-toe antiqued-leather lace-up (for men only); a ballet flat; a wedge.
Excruciatingly painful and fabulous (and preferred): a five-inch metallic stiletto sandal.
Rule #2: Pants with tapered legs only make your ass look bigger. We call this widening of the derriere the "ice cream cone effect" in our book, Dress Your Best, which drops September 13. Oh, did we mention that already? Sorry. In a straight, wider leg trouser, you'll look taller and thinner—and your colleagues won't be tempted to place a maraschino cherry on your head.
Rule #2A: Watch the pleats. If you can count more than one on each side of your pants, you're flirting with the prospect of a very puffy crotch. And a puffy crotch is never a sexy look. (Sexy, you say? Of course you need to look sexy at BEA. You might bump into your favorite author at an after-hours party and want to suck a little face! We know: what happens at BookExpo stays at BookExpo.) In general, flat fronts are your friends.
Rule #3: If you got it for free at a bar or bookstore, it's not acceptable for professional use. No T-shirts that state, "I'll Pull Yours If You Pull Mine. Drink Penguin Ale Draft" or "I'm Not Afraid of Virginia Woolf, But I'm Scared to Death of John Grisham!" Although hilarious, these slogans just don't give off an air of, well, mental stability or intellectual prowess. Plus, these oversized one-size-fits-all giveaways just make you look like a schlump.
Rule #4: Eyewear is everything. Everyone knows that all people who work in publishing are myopic (we mean that in the ophthalmic sense, of course), so it's very important that your glasses match your personality as well as your prescription. Tortoiseshells always say you're an intelligent man, and cat's eye frames say you're a woman of mystery. Actually, we're completely BSing this part. We both wear contact lenses.
Some tips regarding those ridiculous plastic name tags everyone has towear: industrious gals might want to go to town with a small bag of crystals and a little Krazy Glue. If you're pinning a tag to your chest, accent it with an antique-looking brooch or two. If someone says "Brooches are so last season" behind your back, make a mental note that she's a narrow-minded trend whore. Then throw a glass of water over the top of the bathroom stall while she's peeing. And guys, what can we tell ya? You're gonna look a little fey with a brooch or Swarovski crystals. So just be a real man and clip the tag to your left nipple.
* There are some very cute Puma sneakers that offer no arch support whatsoever and would be perfect! Especially if they contain a smidge of aqua, which is very big for spring/summer. If you don't want to appear trend-conscious, you could wear orange, which was big last spring. But NEVER EVER wear these with a suit.
Before hosting TLC's What Not to Wear (now in its third season), Clinton Kelly and Stacy London were editors at Mademoiselle.
