Soapbox: E-structions

I am pleased to announce that next Wednesday between the hours of 6 and 8 p.m. EST I will be conducting an exclusive e-book signing of a limited number of first e-ditions of my latest title.

At noon on Tuesday, e-numbers will be distributed via an online distribution channel to my first 500 fans, many of whom will then proceed to spend an unforgettable night camped on sidewalks in the parallel universe of their choice.

For instance, after receiving your e-number, picture yourself waiting on an imaginary line in a quaint village close to a private university, with unique but not too pricey antique shops and an organic cafe, surrounded by people who have never watched reality TV. To help pass the time, feel free to participate in a communal sing-along (Wilco's “Sky Blue Sky,” “Novocain for the Soul” by the Eels or, for my substantial boomer readership, “Give Peace a Chance” are all fine choices). Or while away the hours recounting to avatar strangers ribald tales about the first time you met/read/slept with or stalked JPO (ahem, that would be me).

For those in the queue with energy to burn, a 14-year-old fan in Branson, Mo., recently texted to inform me that a Wii Sports version of Hacky Sack and Ultimate Frisbee is available online from e-booksigningsunlimited.com. Be sure to mention promotional code OTH-BOOK at checkout.

Please note: because of time constraints, I will only be able to autograph the $27.95 “hardcover” limited e-dition of this particular title. Legal and financial restrictions prohibit me from even acknowledging the existence of the $13.99 “trade paperback edition,” the $6.95 mass market paperback or the free Chinese bootleg version. Owners of these versions seeking an e-signature will have to wait until next year, or, for my Chinese fans, the advent of democracy in your fine country.

A few e-signing Don'ts: because time is limited, we ask that you please Don't make small talk when it is your turn at the e-table. Don't ask about sales, the weight of the author, the incident with the reviewer in Yakima, the death of the independent bookstore, the death of print or of any person, place or industry that is dead or likely to soon die.

Making eye contact with the author, while impossible, is discouraged nonetheless. It is recommended during your allotted 11 seconds that you fix your eyes somewhere between the tops of your Crocs and the undone belt on your terry cloth robe.

Because of my contractual arrangement with e-booksigningsunlimited.com, I regret that I will not be able to sign any previous e-book titles, blog posts or jpgs of other JPO-related memorabilia, including JPO action figures, bobble head dolls, limited edition cutlery sets or the Mr. October foldout from the collectible Naughty Authors 2009 Calendar.

For those who purchased the basic e-signing package, please remember that your choice of e-salutation is limited to:

To (insert your up to six character name here)

Best wishes or Warm Regards/JPO.

Subscribers to the premium sig app (U.S.$3.99/C$5.99) are entitled to an additional 17 characters as well as a small squiggly illustration that in all likelihood will be a smiley face.

For Platinum Level fans (U.S.$6.99/C$7.99), there will be a brief e-reading immediately following the e-signing. At 8:15 p.m. e-ttendees will be requested to assemble in the imaginary arena of their choice (Cozy Salon, Raucous University Auditorium, Intimate Off-Broadway Theater) and turn to page 143 of their recently signed limited e-ditions and read through the third paragraph of page 148, ending with the sentence: “Needless to say, neither the llama, nor my in-laws, would ever be the same again.”

At this point, as I make my way offstage, feel free to applaud for up to one minute. If you are a capable wolf whistler or feel the urge to hold up a flaming butane lighter, now is the time. Next, imagine that I have reluctantly emerged from the wings to take another bow. But alas, I cannot muster the energy for an encore, and must depart.

Typically, another three minutes of applause will suffice before the digital house lights come on.

Then log off and file out into the night. Or somewhere.