Deborah Farmer Kris is a parent, a parent educator, and a writer on parenting topics for MindShift, the NPR Learning Blog, PBS Kids, the Boston Globe, the Wall Street Journal, and Oprah Daily, among others. Farmer Kris is also the social emotional adviser on the new Carl the Collector show on PBS Kids, and the children’s author of SEL picture books and board books. PW spoke with her about how she grew into her roles as a parent educator and writer, and where she goes when she’s in need of parenting advice.
What interests you the most about your work in parenting education?
So much of parent education is perspective and recognizing that a lot of patterns repeat. For instance, the growth spurt that happens between birth and three years of age is comparable to the one that goes on from 12–14 years of age. I think much of our job when raising kids is to offer perspective—not to tell them what to do, but to give them the big picture. Similarly, I think my job as a parent educator is to give that perspective to parents.
As someone with an extensive background in childhood development—and being a parenting education journalist—I read everything! I am especially interested in the science of child development. I also read parenting books and titles that aren’t necessarily parenting books but contain a parenting angle. For instance, I picked up the book, Chatter by Ethan Kross, about “mental chatter,” and read about how teenagers wrestle with this. I feel like a lot of my job in parent education is translating, or looking at fascinating research coming out that is not necessarily hitting the parenting Instagram feeds and then sharing it in an article or a presentation through a hopeful perspective. My motto as a parenting educator is: “tell the story of hope.” Hope is not just thinking that the future will be better, but that it can be because people can do good things.
Lately, there has been a lot in the news about parenting stress being off the charts. Do you have any thoughts on this?
I think parenting has never been harder, especially for parents of tweens and teens because of isolation. When kids are younger, we’re posting their antics on Facebook, and we get people saying, “Oh, my kid had a diaper rash, too!” etc. But, when your 14-year-old starts vaping, you don’t necessarily put that on social media or know who you can talk to about it. You’re also not standing at the school bus stop anymore with your five-year-old and catching up with other parents. So, I think the biggest challenge of parent education is how we can reach out to parents who are in the greatest need.
You’ve found another way to extend your reach to parents and kids through your children’s books. How did you first start writing books for kids?
I was thinking of different angles for my parenting pieces, and a child’s book idea came to me! So, I reached out to TCM/Free Spirit, because in the back of their books they always have tips for parents/caregivers. It thought that with my books I could reach parents who might not read my articles or attend my workshops, but could pick up some of my tips in one of the most intimate activities: reading with their child.
To date, you have published four picture books and three board books, with more on the way. Can you tell us how these books came to be?
The genesis of my first picture book, I Love You All the Time, came about when my daughter was two years old and having a meltdown. I was frazzled and I could feel my own emotions boiling up, and so I put her on my lap, and I said, “I really love you when you’re mad.” She immediately stopped crying and started to melt into me. And, then I said, “I love you when you’re happy, I love you when you’re sad. I love you when you’re scared. I love when you’re mad because I love you all the time.” And this has become a mantra with my own parenting—–and the title of my picture book series on emotions. It also aligns with my parent education work around emotions.
The I See You board book series comes from a parenting concept known as radical curiosity—or noticing and paying attention to what’s in front of you. With this, one of the most magical phrases we can use with toddlers to teens is “I noticed that….” For example, you might say, “I noticed that you’re cranky or you didn’t eat your lunch,” instead of asking, “Why are you cranky or not eating your lunch?” Saying this phrase has magic because it can take a bit of the edge away. What we’re saying here is that “I see you, but we don’t have to talk about it right now.” I’ve incorporated the phrase, “I see you” in each of my board books—–I See You Smile, I See You Try, I See You Care—about when we notice happy emotions, try new things, and show care. In the back of the books, I offer ways to help kids develop their curiosity, build confidence, and name/navigate their emotions.
You have an adult title, Raising Awe-Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Helps Our Kids Thrive, coming out next year. What can you tell us about it?
I got the idea for the book when I stumbled across some amazing research out of UC Berkeley on the emotion of awe. I called the main researcher, Dacher Keltner, and interviewed him from the parenting angle. During our conversation, I asked him if there were any parenting books written on this topic. He replied, “No, but maybe that’s your book!” And it was. It comes out in next May.
What would you say is your greatest hope for your parenting work?
My hope is to give parents hope. To do this, I want to provide parents with tools, tips, and strategies that they can make their own—and will make them feel more confident and less alone. A study out of the Center of Child Development at Harvard University that I always point to revealed that the single most important factor that allows kids to be resilient through challenges is the presence of one stable, loving adult: a parent, an aunt, or an uncle, etc., in their lives. I believe that the more confident we are in our parenting, the more likely we can be that one stable, loving presence. This means showing up every day for our kids and telling them “I love you!” These things last. And so that’s the hopeful message that I want to share in my work.
What do you do when you get stuck as a parent?
I talk to people. I love having friends and family members who are also in the thick of it with me. I think it’s important to have at least one person in your life who you can tell the real stuff to and compare notes with.
Like Brené Brown says, there’s power in being vulnerable, and in being able to say that you don’t knows what to do or that you’re scared, and you rely on your village. I rely on mine as much as anybody else does. There’s always somebody who can speak to what I’m going through or at least offer the empathy that I need to take a deep breath.
I don’t think that parenting was ever meant to be a solo endeavor. We all need to lean in, help each other, and practice what I mentioned before: radical curiosity. It’s a constant process of discovery, which I think is the coolest part of parenting.
