Amy Carroll thought that she and her husband should make their bed together every morning, and because they didn’t their marriage wasn’t as good as it could be. She tried to guilt him into moving those blankets, actually worried that her marriage was doomed.
“What an unrealistic expectation,” said Carroll, who lives outside Raleigh, NC. She is author of Breaking Up with Perfect: Kiss Perfection Good-Bye and Embrace the Joy God Has in Store for You (Howard, July).
In the book, she describes friendships that she nearly destroyed with her perfectionism, tough spots in her marriage, struggling to raise her children.
“Why are so many women perfectionists? Women have an intrinsic understanding that there is something higher than us (God), that there is a high standard and we don’t meet it,” she said. “And it’s exacerbated by culture, with magazine covers and social media that make our lives look perfect when they aren’t.”
The book describes the Good Girl List and the Never Good Enough List, lists we make up in our quest for perfection. The first is what we need to do to earn God’s approval and the second is the reasons we never will be good enough. Both do serious damage to the psyche.
“Christians are particularly susceptible,” she said. “Pursuit of our own perfection is sin. That’s hard for me because perfectionism looks so good.”
Carroll, who is on the speaker team and writing team for Proverbs 31 Ministries, speaks 12 to14 times a year and writes monthly devotions for the non-profit, non-denominational ministry that reaches women around the world via radio programs, print resources, digital media, and speaking events.
“When I started this book, I thought I had something to share,” Carroll said. “But by the end I realized I was a work in progress. Writing this has been the most painful process of my life; I had to really look hard at some things.”
Her hard work has paid off; Breaking Up with Perfect is resonating with women, and with a surprise twist, said Carroll. Both teenaged girls and their worried mothers are finding the book. “I didn’t expect that,” she said. “I’m getting lots of feedback from readers saying perfectionism is keeping them up at night.”
Carroll’s guess at the culprit: social media. With thousands of followers herself, the author is active on social media via her blog and website as well as the Proverbs 31 website, but she understands what can happen when all we see are the best of the best photos, stories, and posts.
“Perfection is a huge issue in women’s lives,” said Carroll. “We don’t recognize it because we get a lot of kudos for it. We get pats on the back for creating a façade of perfection.”
And perfectionism looks different for different people, she said. For some women it’s their house; for others it their mothering, or their physical appearance. It could be volunteering or employment.
“The question is, what are your motives,” said Carroll. “Do you want people to say nice things about you or notice you? For Christians, the proper motives are love, peace, and unity.”
