Dave Iverson, an Emmy Award-winning journalist and documentary producer for NPR and PBS, offers a personal account of the challenges and triumphs of caregiving in Winter Stars: An Elderly Mother, An Aging Son, and Life’s Final Journey (Light Messages, March 22). The book, he says, is for anyone preparing for the end of a loved one’s life.
This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Why is your book about caregiving so important, now?
Part of what I came to understand is how little prepared we are for something that is incredibly common. There are 50 million family caregivers, yet each of us stumble into this and we think, ‘No one knows what I’m experiencing,’ but of course we’re not alone. We don’t give aging parents or spouses the kind of forethought that we do other life experiences—getting married, becoming a parent—we don’t think about it. This is something we need to confront. As lots of people point out, someone turns 65 every eight seconds in this country. We’re facing this enormous challenge, and we’re not ready for it.
When you were 59 years old, you moved in with your 95-year-old mom to help care for her. What went into that decision?
It was a unique circumstance. My mom and I had always been really close. My life was full and I had a great deal of flexibility. Also, I had seen what my mom did for my dad who had Parkinson’s disease. I just felt like it was something I could do. It was incredibly naïve, and in some ways it’s good to be naïve. Without it, we wouldn’t do the things we need to do.
What role did spirituality play in your writing?
I grew up Catholic, but a lot of it didn’t really stick with me. I was intellectually fascinated with how important it was to my mom. Going with her to church helped me realize what community meant. I was reminded it isn’t all about you actually; it’s about a greater good, a greater calling. I came to understand through that experience that we are not in this alone. We need to call upon something that is greater than ourselves. To me, that is what faith means: discovering possibilities of goodness.
You write, “We live in a country where quality health and elder care is far too often a matter of privilege.” Can you explain your experience with this?
My mom was incredibly fortunate. She and my father bought a house in Menlo Park, Calif. for $15,000 in 1950. In 2007, it was worth considerably more than that. That provided a bank account. What kind of plan is that for national care in this country? There is a saying, ‘Hope is not a plan.’ How we approach elder care seems to be, ‘Let’s hope for the best.’ That doesn’t serve us well. We need to do so much better than that. Why should my mom or me only have that opportunity—why is quality health care and elder care reserved only for people who bought in Menlo Park in 1950?
What is the #1 thing you want readers to take away from Winter Stars?
Caregiving—taking care of the people we love—is what matters most. Pay attention to what’s right in front of you. Consider the risk and challenge, but also the reward, of responding in whatever way we can, and lead with the heart. Love, in the end, is a physical act. Allow ourselves to make the physical act, if we can—to care for and love those who mean the most to us.
