Shannon Harris was married for 19 years to Joshua Harris, a widely influential pastor whose 1997 book I Kissed Dating Goodbye (Multnomah Books) set the standard for “purity culture” in the evangelical Christian world —before he renounced his own views in 2018 and the couple divorced a year later.
In the wake of the divorce, Shannon, who once aspired to be the model pastor's wife, left evangelical Christianity. She tells her perspective on the pressures the church imposed on her marriage in The Woman They Wanted: Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife (Broadleaf Books, August 29). The purpose of this memoir is not to “set the record straight” following her high-profile divorce, said Broadleaf editor Lisa Kloskin, but to model how women can reclaim their voices and authority, as Harris has, “after the church systematically took those things from her.” Harris spoke with PW about the power she’s reclaimed by telling her story.
What, in your experience, is “a good Christian wife?”
She is most likely a mother. Her primary sphere of influence is the home. If she feels like she has another purpose in her life, she's setting that aside because she believes that this is the noblest, or perhaps the only, expression of her womanhood. She's been encouraged to be obedient to other people over obedience to her own soul.
How did you decide to leave the evangelical world?
I liken myself to a woman walking along the beach and picking up shells and sea glass. I was finding pieces of myself, and every time I found one little piece, it made me keep wanting to walk in that direction and see what else was there, what else have I lost. I don't view it as I left evangelical Christianity. I view it as I walked toward myself.
How much, if any, of your experience is unique because of how high profile your ex-husband was at the time?
Our marriage had additional pressures. There was no room for us to fail or deviate from this ideal of perfection. I couldn't have yoga videos in the house. I couldn't have a glass of wine on Valentine's Day. One day I came home and my entire CD collection had been thrown in the trash, all of this because there was fear that somebody would think badly of us, that we'd be below the standard we were trying to be to a model [married couple].
Why is it important for you to tell your own story?
I wanted to contribute my story to the discussion about churches misusing power and authority. I believe women need to share our stories so we can bolster each other's courage. It takes a lot of guts to be the woman you are rather than the woman people want you to be.
